In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down
(Written during COVID-19)
“Don’t forget in the darkness what you have been promised in the light.” — Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis Majors, Page 204
In the Wingfeather Saga, book four: The Warden and the Wolf King, by Andrew Peterson, there is a scene when Janner, the older brother, is alone in darkness under a mountain. His brother ran away from him again and Janner is so tired of being in the dark. He is tired of fighting evil. Worn-out of ending up in places of danger. He has the tools to make a torch but for a little bit he lies on the wet tunnel floor in the suffocating darkness.
I have felt like him before. Hopeless, lost, and suffocated by darkness. Sometimes the pain in our world feels like too much to bear. Midway through April and the stay at home orders, I remember crying out to God, my heart so heavy it pulled me to my knees. Darkness and evil were so pressing that it made me crumble.
“Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” — Matthew 11:28
Jesus took the burden on His shoulders, so I could rest. Jesus carried it and guides me. He did not leave me alone to carry my burden. Even when my heart is weighted down, Jesus not only takes my burden, he carries me too.
When hurt, it can be easy to feel abandoned. Sometimes our burden is not lifted as much as we would like and walking is hard. In the darkness, it can be easy to feel alone. It can be easy to believe that God has forsaken you.
But God said he would never leave or forsake you. And God keeps his word. Friends may leave just when you needed them most, but when you need God most remember he sent Jesus. The Bible says:
“But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ.” — Ephesians 2:13
Through Jesus you are brought near. In a book called Finding God in My Loneliness the very last pages explain why Jesus truly understands loneliness specifically, and also our burdens in darkness.
“Jesus took all our loneliness at the cross, where he was left alone to die, cut off from even his beloved Father… Because he was forsaken, we are not. People may reject us, but we will never be forsaken by the one who matters most — God himself.” — Finding God in My Loneliness, by Lydia Brownback, page 163
Jesus took on darkness, sin, and loneliness, so that even when the reality of your world hurts, even when you can't seem to stand, God is with you. Never leaving you, or allowing your burdens to crush you.
In the darkness, Janner had the tools he needed. The match was right next to him, yet he felt crushed by the dark. He felt hopeless and confused. But that moment was not the end of his story. He was able to rise, light the torch, and go after his brother yet one more time.
The same is true for you. The darkness is not the end of you story either. It may be hard and may even seem too hard. But like the quote said at the beginning, we are promised things in the light, that will sustain us through darkness. Like the knowledge that God will never leave you, or that Jesus has made a place in heaven for you. Even in the darkness, God will turn it in to light.
“You, Lord, keep my lamp burning;
my God turned my darkness into light.” — Psalm 18:28
I love that verse because it says the Lord keeps my lamp burning. God makes sure we can still see. He keeps the fire alive. He does not want us to sit in the dark. That is why He walks with us.
Through COVID, it has been easy to feel alone or forsaken. We have been so separated from people that it can feel like God has left us too. But, dear one, God has not forsaken you. Through Jesus He never will. If you are struggling with believing that, declare “Not For A Moment” over your life. It talks about your world falling down. Darkness and burdens exist, but Not for a moment will You forsake me.
God is near to you and daily bares your burdens (see Psalm 68:19). Don’t forget that God has promised to turn darkness to light. He is a God of strength and might, he will not only carry your heavy heart but all of you. As you walk in darkness remember that God is with you and he will cary you through it all. He will never leave you.
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